Separate Souls
by Liregon
Summary: Mists of Avalon. Gwenhwfar's thoughts on her relationship with Lancelot and her as she walks away from him into Glastonbury. bookverse and tv-verse. oneshot. pls R&R!


Disclaimer: all the following characters belong to Marion Zimmer Bradley, sadly. The only way I am able to own them are in my dreams.

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- Separate Souls -

I first laid eyes on you all those years ago, when we were both young and free, unbound by the wars, nor by marriage. It was as though I had strayed into a beautiful, yet strange and unreal dream. The mists were covering me, enfolding me in their dampness as I left the path that led to the haven of Glastonbury. The swamps, as it seemed to me then, were cold, and wet, ruining my dress. I was frightened, afraid of being lost forever in that forbidden and forsaken place, unable to return home to the convent, nor my birthplace. Crying desperately to God, I had pleaded for him to send me a sign, perhaps an angel, to guide me home, to guide me back where I truly belonged.

Somehow, my tear-filled prayers were answered, and help came in the form of you, and Morgaine. I never noticed _her_ till you mentioned her name, and even then, I did not bother. All my young heart could think then was you. Lancelot of Avalon. You were an angel to me then, someone who came to guide me, to help me, and, I had thought then, to be with me forever in Paradise.

As Morgaine parted the mists, and proceeded to lead us back up the long and winding path, I could not help sneaking glances at you. You were beautifully attractive for a man; you had the chivalry and grace of a knight, though you were not one yet. Sin as it was, my mind could not help making fantasies of you and me together, with no interruptions or distractions whatsoever, in our own world where no one but the two of us mattered. I kept thinking that if I had not been at convent, I would have indeed gotten my father to marry the both of us. I knew you would have agreed to it without hesitation, for I saw you looking at me, with desire clearly written in those brown depths I longed to drown myself in.

But even then, we were not fated to be together as one. Morgaine was there, and she was watchful or us in a way I could not explained then. I had not liked her from the start, and had thought her small, dark and ugly. I had thought she had only tarried with us to make sure you stayed with her, and we did not roam. I remembered being scornful of her actions, of how she tried to make it seem as though she was all-important. If only I had realised she was a priestess of the Old Religion, of Avalon, then I would not have tempted her to tell me off.

As I ran away into interior of the convent towards the safe haven of my cell, I overheard you talking heatedly with her, and hoped with false heart that perhaps, you would come after me and beg me to return with you to your lands. Vainly did I hope, day by day.

But you never did came.

Although the months passed slowly, I never did forget your name, or your strong lean face, or the warm touch of your hand holding mine. As much as I tried to tell myself that it was but a childish infatuation borne of being in a convent, I knew it was not.

I was hopelessly and thoroughly in love with you.

Somehow, I knew that although I would be married to another man, you would always be the man I would want to be, my first love. I knew that if I had a choice of my groom, it would have been you all the way, no matter what obstacles would come in our way. I had hoped that when we next met, we would be free to make our own choices, and be with each other.

However, contrary to my wishes, it was not to be.

My heart could not be damaged any further than that day Father came into my room and announced elatedly that I was to marry Arthur, and be Queen of Great Britain. Though he was King, I had no desire for any title, including that of Queen; indeed, I would renounce Father, and all that I hold dear to me, just to be with you. But at that moment, I felt that all I had wanted for my future, and for my happiness was lost; for I would be married, though not to the man I wanted to.

They said that every cloud has a silver lining, and mine was that Lancelot was advisor to the King. I took comfort in that knowledge that he was there with me wherever I was, though nothing but a companion now. When I met him again on that fateful day on which I was to be bride, shock was clearly mirrored in his eyes, as was with mine, and if Arthur was not standing beside him, I would have thrown myself into his arms and forgot all about dignity and poise. Again, it seemed that the Fates did not want us together, but rather laugh in glee at our desperate attempts to be close to each other without getting too close.

The years went by quickly, and though we had traded glances with longing evident in our eyes, we never laid hands on each other, though I was hungry for your touch every time I saw you, and though it was sin. I had paid for that sin long ago when we were ambushed by Saxons, and shared a forbidden kiss in that deserted, rundown hut, for I could not give Arthur an heir, much as I wanted to.

I know I would always cherish that night the three of us spent in the bed of the King. When Arthur invited you to his bed. I had tried to hide my excitement at that suggestion, and you had tried to be disgusted, perhaps, at the very notion; but somehow Arthur saw through both of us, and knew about the secret desires.

I would always remember those flaming touches and those burning kisses you trailed down my body, the hunger with which you have claimed me with, first my mouth, then my body. I would always remember the whispers of my name on your tongue as you worshipped me, having longed for that all my life. Somewhere at the back of my mind, I knew it was sin, and I would pay for it by having no child.

But I did not care.

Nothing could have stopped me from having the best night in my life, in the arms of a man whom I loved more dearly than life itself.

Now, as I walk into Glastonbury and away from you for the second time in my life, I somehow wish that you would ask me to be with you once more, and perhaps give me a second or more to rethink my decision. But I knew that no matter what, I would not return to you again, not in this lifetime. We had too much happiness and sorrow together in our short lives, and we had sinned and went against the teachings, for we were not meant to be at all.

Therefore, fighting back tears that threaten to consume me in their intensity, before I could change my mind, I hurry past the nun holding the great wood doors opens, feeling your soulful brown eyes bore through my back the whole while.

I pray that when you die, you would go to Heaven and be an angel, so that when I pass beyond the confines of this world, you would be there. And we would be together after being separate for so long.

However for now, farewell, my love.

THE END

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